A Day of The Fast and the Furious

The place: Outside of the movie theater.

The time: Last Sunday, right after seeing Star Trek Into Darkness.

The question: “So are we doing Fast 6 next weekend?”

The reply: “Sure, I guess, but I haven’t seen any of them besides the first one.”

And with that short exchange in a brief period of time, I found myself tasked to catch up on the deep plot intricacies of The Fast and the Furious film series in the following week. Except that I’m lazy, I’m a procrastinator, and I’m also a binge-everything-do’er. So I ended up putting it off all week until yesterday when I watched 1-5 in a row. This was basically a running diary of my thoughts as I watched this marvel of a series…feel free to go xem phim the movies as I did and read along, if you would like. It’s the closest you can get to watching movies with me as I annoyingly lean over and whisper in your ear, preventing you from focusing on the movie without me actually being there.

~The Fast and the Furious~

_OK…I’ve seen this first movie before…and I remember the opening car scene being more exciting. All there really was was the car driving underneath the big rig for like…5 seconds. Other than that, it was 3 street racing cars circling the wagons on an 18 wheeler.

_Paul Walker’s green car still looks just as asinine as it did the first time.

_As I see the back of Vin Diesel’s head for the first time in this movie, I think to myself “Was it necessary for Vin Diesel to play the role of a street racer? Did they really need somebody huge and buff to play a guy who drives cars fast?” Then I remember “Vin Diesel is never mis-cast” and I metaphorically smack myself for thinking such ridiculous things.

_How is Michelle Rodriguez not the one getting pissed and fighting Paul Walker for ogling the server lady at their legitimate bar and grill? Isn’t she basically typecast as “tough hotheaded girl”? Shouldn’t she be more pissed at males taking note of the female form?

_Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin'” is playing outside of this street race gathering. I’m tempted to seek out one of these gatherings to see if this still plays before drag races. And before I could even finish typing this sentence, Ja Rule shows up. Both of these things just occurred in the first film of a now 6 film franchise. If you measure success by “Entries in the series,” The Fast and the Furious is as successful as Star Wars. If you further measure it by the star power, Ja Rule wasn’t in any of the Star Wars movies. Just sayin’.

_I forget who said Paul Walker was like a modern day Keanu Reeves, but having now seen Point Break, this statement seems incredibly accurate. Not sure if Vin Diesel would be a modern day Patrick Swayze, though.

_I wonder if actual Nitrous is used via a button press or if it’s more complicated. Maybe some things weren’t meant to be known by scrubs like me.

_Vin Diesel: “Car jargon.”
Crowd: “Ooooooohhhhh!”
Vin Diesel: “Acting!”
Crowd: “OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Paul Walker: *Smug face*

_Cars flying through the air on city streets is cruise control for cool in action movies. Just ask THE ROCK. Not the actor, the movie. But I bet The Rock would agree with me that cars flying in the air on city streets is cool. I actually wrote that forgetting that The Rock was in Fast 5. Unintentional puns are the best…unless you count intentional puns.

_Asian thugs on motorcycles? Must be the Yakuza! Unless my stereotyping powers aren’t strong enough. Could just be a non-Yakuza affiliated asian motorcycle gang. Johnny TRAN? That’s a Viet name! I didn’t know we were Yakuza! I mean…I didn’t know we had non-Yakuza affiliated motorcycle gangs.

_Coincidence that Paul Walker starts to get somewhere with Dom Diesel’s sister while the sweet, serenading sound of Nate Dogg’s voice plays in the background?

_So Paul Walker is an undercover cop, trying to infiltrate a street racing gang of thieves, lifting trucks of electronics. It’s like Point Break without the presidential masks. Although would we really want Vin Diesel’s face covered by a mask? I really hope Dom starts with some Swayze-esque life lessons.

_If I can believe this movie, and I think I can, Corona is to street racers as PBR is to hipsters. 2 different scenes in the first 45 minutes of a single movie is a large enough sample size, right?

_Undercover cops getting in too deep is always awesome.

_Tell us more about your dad, Dom. Tell us about your tortured past. Character development and backstory for characters in Fast and the Furious. All is right with the world. “I live my life a quarter mile at a time.” It’s not quite Bodhi, but…what is?

_Don’t do it, Paul. Don’t fall for Dom’s sister! You’re only gonna get burned…by the fire that shoots out of the exhaust pipes of those cars like I saw at the beginning of the movie.

_The cops are gonna move in on my cousin Johnny Tran and his boys cause they think they’ve been lifting the electronics. Shots of the cops busting the asians are interlaced with Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez screwing in the garage for no real reason, as any self-respecting movie would have done. It’s revealed that all of the DVD players and stuff were all purchased legally. I’d think that would’ve been obvious. Why would a bunch of doctors need to steal electronics?

_Did these street racers not put any more thought into the name of their big racing event? “Race Wars”? Really? I hope the winners earn the title of Aryan Masters for the year.

_Dom: “This is the mother-lode, we’ve been on this for three months. After this it’ll be a long vacation.” If I recall correctly, the presidential bank robbers hit banks for a couple months to they could take long vacations. They seriously could’ve called this movie Point Break: The Fast and the Furious.

_So they’re hitting this truck…Vince is jumping from the hood of a car to the front of the truck, facing forward and doesn’t see the driver pulling out a shotgun, but Vin Diesel does in his rear view…ok, maybe Vince was too focused on the hood and the jump. But…after he gets shot at, why does he remove his helmet? “Better I protect my face from buckshot with nothing than with a helmet.” Fuckin’ Fast and the Furious logic, man.

_This truck driver is fending off 3 cars, firing a shotgun in one hand, steering with the other, and reloading while on the move. I hope this is something all big rig truck drivers can do.

_This undercover reveal wasn’t as good as Point Break. “This is your fuckin’ wake up call, man! I AM AN F.B.I. AGENT!”

_Johnny Tran nooooooooooooooo! Wait, that wasn’t supposed to be my reaction, was it? I was supposed to be sad for Jesse getting shot. It’s fine, Viet doctor gang members don’t inflict any injuries we can’t treat. And now there were just 3 straight hill jumps by cars and motorcycles. Endless excellence.

_Ok, seriously, even this final drag race to the train tracks is just like Point Break, except Vin Diesel doesn’t die cause I already know this. Cop friend needs to bring in his criminal buddy, confronts him knowing there’s no way he’ll go in. So instead of trying to drag him into custody, let’s do something dumb instead, like drag race past an oncoming train/go off to kill self in the biggest wave ever. Like…if they remade Point Break and changed it into a movie about street racing but also wanted to keep all of the main players alive so they could show up in future sequels, it would’ve been exactly this movie.

_And then the end credits rolled and Ja Rule started playing, with the f-words silenced out cause this is a PG-13 movie. Perfect, 10/10.


~2 Fast 2 Furious~

_I actually haven’t even started the movie yet, and I see Tyrese on the poster for the movie. Then I start the movie and the Universal splash logo turns metallic, starts rotating and bouncing up and down with hydraulic sounds. Technically, the movie hasn’t even started yet, but I’m already liking the ass-ridiculous direction the series is headed. And halfway through typing that last sentence, Ludacris showed up and the title “2 Fast 2 Furious” flashed on my screen in flying neon lights. You know how in Hard Boiled, the opening scene was a 20 minute shootout in a teahouse with a body count higher than most action movies have in their entire run time, capped off with Chow Yun Fat shooting a guy point blank in the face with blood splattering all over him while he’s covered in flour, just to make the red stand out even more? This already reminds me of that in the way that I feel like I am totally prepared for everything that is about to occur in the next 2 hours just from the first scene of the movie. Except this only took 2 minutes instead of the 15 or 20 or however many minutes the teahouse scene was. So perhaps this is actually a testament to the outstanding filmmaking that went into 2 Fast. Only time will tell. About 100 minutes of time.

_This movie has already featured infinitely more asian women driving pink cars with anime women decals on the side and car stereo system battles than the first movie did.

_Brian Paul Walker is totally gonna win this race. The driver’s side of his car is on the right. That’s a subtle message to the viewer that he’s been practicing on the autobahn.

_The asian girl just yelled “Move, bitch!” Good thing Ludacris has a role in this, or else he probably would’ve sued for royalties.

_Wow…the CG on those cars during the bridge jump. I mean…I’m assuming it was CG. I actually couldn’t tell, it was so well done.

_As the cops rolled up to break up their little illegal racing gig, I waited for Paul Walker to jump into the driver’s seat Dukes of Hazard style. Then he opened the door. I swear, if nobody Bo Duke’s into a car at some point in time in this franchise, there’s going to be a whole lot of hopes and dreams crushed, all of them mine.

_So it seems Paul Walker went rouge, and now the FBI wants to bring him in for another undercover job. If there’s any more plot in this, I will be extremely disappointed.

_Tyrese is in Barstow. I thought the only things in Barstow were fast food places to stop at on the trip between LA and Vegas and also a Home Depot. I had no idea they had handsome black men, too. I’ll make sure to keep it in mind the next time someone asks me where all the fine ass brothers at.

_If you were a drug lord in Florida that was trying to hide the fact that you were a drug lord in Florida, why would you live in the Scarface mansion?

_This freeway race scene is already great. Just a bunch of ridiculous maneuvers for no reason other than “Look at us do ridiculous shit.” Marvelous. And then Tyrese took off his shirt. It feels like the franchise is really coming into its own for revelling in its own ridiculousness now.

_”A bunch of double crossy plot shit. We need more cars. Let’s racing.” And then there was chicken and red zone.

_As a big fat guy, I dislike all of the typecast fat greasy corrupt cops in movies. I would never take bribes from crime lords if I was a fat greasy cop. I’d just be a straight laced, fat, greasy cop. Isn’t that allowed?

_Who gets a royal flush in 5 card draw? Seriously.

_Would two people holding other people hostage at gunpoint be a variation of a mexican standoff, or would it be some other kind of standoff? Maybe like…a spanish standoff? There should be a name for it if there isn’t one that I’m unaware of.

_”So the cops are probably gonna try to put us away, and the drug bad guy will probably kill us. So let’s steal all the money.” Fast and the Furious logic.

_So at the start of this chase, Paul and Tyrese are driving at 120 MPH, swerving around a two lane highway between cars…and an army of police cars are keeping up with them. All of this fancy driving in some souped up street racing cars, and some mook ass cops are driving along with them in standard issue police cruisers.

_Ramping a car off a rickety wooden…ramp…like thing…onto a moving boat is one of the most likely things I’ve ever witnessed. It only would’ve been better if it was a bus, ramping from one piece of highway onto another, only the ramp was a level stretch of road.

_So…what did they put that guy away for? Money laundering? Cause that’s all they actually caught him doing at that particular time. Like…not even murder, even though he most definitely has killed people and most definitely deals drugs. But if they could get him for those…why wait to get two undercover guys to race bags of money across town really fast? Is that somehow his paper trail? Though I’m sure they’ll manage to pin some other stuff on him…whatever. This movie wasn’t running on Diesel power, nowhere near as good.


~The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift~

_I think the intros to these movies have been the parts of the movies I’ve had the most to talk about. Where to start with Tokyo Drift. Bow Wow gets 2nd billing. In a movie called “Tokyo Drift,” the first Asian sounding name billed comes 5 names deep. There’s somebody named JJ Sonny Chiba, which I’m not sure if it’s actually Sonny Chiba or somebody named JJ who has the middle and last names of Sonny Chiba. The credits sequence is rolling in front of clips of high school kids, meaning…this movie is about American high school kids who are gonna go to Tokyo to drift? Awesome. And this all plays over a remix of DJ Shadow’s “Six Days,” which is the best song to have been included in any of the Fast and the Furious movies up to th…wait. I almost forgot Rollin’ was in the first movie. Forget I even started to make that statement.

_I literally just had to pause the movie because so much is racing through my mind and my fingers can’t keep up. First, my brother was on the football team in high school, and I don’t remember him being that big of a dickhead. Has there ever existed a movie where the high school football team isn’t dicks that also wasn’t simultaneously a movie ABOUT the high school football team? Second, I like how they go from racing for slips to racing for a girl…at the suggestion of the girl herself. “Hey guys! …stop objectifying your cars and please objectify me! GAWD!” Third, it’s been 2 movies since Rollin’ was used in the film score and the first race of this movie occurs under the watchful sound-gaze of Kid Rock’s Bawitdaba.There are going to have to be some times stamped later…ok, Tokyo Drift came out in 2006. Bawitdaba was released in 1999. G fuckin’ G.

_”We’ve had to move 3 times in 2 years…for whatever reason. Now that my son has gotten his 3rd strike for reckless endangerment, time to send him to Tokyo to live with his father!” What a harsh punishment. I’m sure that after fucking up all those times, this kid will have learned his lesson and won’t end up getting involved in illegal races in Japan in the third installment of a series about street racing.

_Damn, white boy got the hand of chopsticks f…is…Bow Wow fencing stolen goods in the school cafeteria? And also attending a school in Japan?

_I’m guessing the entire pitch for this movie was “If we make the setting Japan, the location is an excuse to have a bevy of hot young Asian girls wearing tiny skirts 99% of the time.”

_Who wrote this? Gaijin doesn’t mean “Turn around and keep walking.” I don’t even speak Japanese and I know that much, sheeeeez.

_25 minutes in, first mention of Yakuza. I expect more to come and at a higher frequency than a 25/1 minute/yakuza ratio.

_Everybody hopping into an elevator seems like a poor way to spectate a drift race in a multi-tiered parking lot. Wouldn’t racing up the stairs be faster, or is the need for a lack of physical exertion that important?

_Since hitting Japan, we’ve seen drifting, Yakuza, girls in school uniforms, a huge sumo guy, and now Yakuza playing mah jong in the back of a pachinko parlor. I can’t wait for the part where he goes to a hostess bar and preforms karaoke while watching some tentacle anime porn, followed by some DDR in the middle of an army of ninjas.

_I fail to see how fucking up some dudes car = taking him into your fold, bringing him to your club full of hot women and giving him a fancy new car. Hand me some keys, I’ll fuck up as many cars as I need to, man.

_I like how these two fisherman are fishing and commenting to each other while Sean practices drifting. Because Japanese fishermen know the in’s and out’s of drifting, as all Japanese do.

_”We’re not so different, you and I.” – Common movie quotes that nobody says in actual conversation.

_LOL so it was ACTUAL Sonny Chiba in the credits. Awesome. Oh yeah, and there was also a mention of a hostess club, earlier. We’ll hit all of the stereotypes, eventually, I’m sure of it.

_Some people might say it’s unlikely that a giant crowd of pedestrians would part and form a perfect curve for drifting through. I’d say that drifting is obviously so encoded into Japanese DNA, that it wouldn’t make sense if they DIDN’T part into a perfect curve for drifting.

_”You can’t just walk into Kamata’s place, man!” Oh please, tell me that he’s going drift into his home.  If anybody has any compassion or cares about me in the least, please let Sean powerslide a ricer car into the home of the head of a Yakuza family. God dammit, he just walked in, nobody loves me, I am alone in the world, I’ve been forsaken by everything.

_So you’re in deep shit with the Yakuza, and are looking to kill you…how do you fix it? Go talk to the head of the family and ask him to forget all of these issues in exchange for a loser-leaves-town street race against his nephew! Fast and the Furious logic is the best kind of logic.

_I understand they’re excited for their boy winning…but should everybody really be cheering about a guy rolling his car off the side of a mountain? …fuck it, he was the bad guy, go roll your car off more mountains, asshole.

_Whaaaaaaaat the fuck does Vin Diesel know about drifting? He can’t drift in that thing, it doesn’t even have a spoiler on it! Gaaaaaaawwwwwwwdddddd!

_I still can’t believe nobody karaoke’d in that entire movie. My gasts have been thoroughly flabbered.


~Fast and Furious~

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

_I don’t believe this is the Dominican Republic for a second. The real streets of the Dominican Republic couldn’t fit any cars in them, what with all of the children playing baseball in the streets with rocks and twigs.

_OMG Vin! OMG Michelle! OMG guy actor whose name I don’t know but I actually remember the name of the character he plays in the movies, whose name is Han and died in Tokyo Drift about an hour ago real Hojo-life time! OMG…two Hispanic newcomers whom I will probably grow fond of due to being associated with this ridiculous franchise!

_OK, so remember how in 2 Fast 2 Furious, that part where they ramp onto a yacht? Well, Vin Diesel just did a powerslide under a giant exploding fuel tanker rolling down a highway. The big difference is that the yacht jump in 2 Fast was the climax. This was the opening sequence. Things have certainly escalated quickly in the Fast franchise.

_Michelle Rodriguez just said “Ride or die.” Stop, drop, open up shop. She didn’t say that last part. I just added it in. I just figured since Tokyo Drift used Kid Rock 7 or 8 years after it was cool, that busting out some Ruff Ryders would be OK.

DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES

_Paul Walker is jumping out of a window. It looks like being fast and furious is longer solely relegated to doing both of those things in cars, and one can now be both quick and intense on foot with some subpar parkour action. Actually, I’m taking it back. It’s just a chase scene on foot, it’s not even parkour. Paul Walker is a cop again?! How?!

PANAMA CITY

_We’ve gone to as many locales in 10 minutes as we did in the last 3 movies. Apparently Michelle Rodriguez was killed offscreen. In movies, that’s usually a sign that that person is DEFINITELY permanently dead and won’t be coming back.

Usually a funeral scene is sad, because cemeteries in general are kind of a bummer…but seeing a bunch of brightly colored neon racing cars parked in front seemed to lighten the mood a lot.

letusmourn

_Vin Diesel: “Lemme see the crash site.” I look forward to Dom’s sure-to-be Conan Edogawa-esque sense of breaking down a crime scene.

_”This guy’s moved more heroin across the border than Escobar did in 10 years.” They just name dropped Pablo Escobar. Awesome. Also, didn’t Pablo deal cocaine? Well…he was a DRUG lord, maybe he moved whatever the fuck he wanted. I could probably look it up easily, but it’s not porn, so why bother searching for it on the internet?

_Guy Ritchie must have been way too far into Sherlock Holmes production when this came out, because that scene with Vin Diesel feeling the road and recreating Letty’s death in his head was fucking Holmes-ian and should’ve got him the lead role in that franchise. And also an Oscar.

_Cue “Car Souping Montage.” The best part was when they showed him putting a spoiler on the car. Cause he’s putting a spoiler on his car.

_Know what’s great about movies? How the protagonists can do legit really shitty things to assholes, and it’s totally ok, cause it’s a movie. “Police framing people just for being a douchebag? SWEET!” If I was a movie protagonist, I could probably push someone down a flight of stairs and cripple them for life and be cheered for it if they did something like push a short kid with glasses into a locker first or make fun of somebody for no good reason or spoke to somebody condescendingly while appearing to have a lot of money and success.

_So this is the second movie where a drug kingpin has used street racers to run…stuff. Why exactly do drug lords need people to drive super fast in super conspicuous cars to do illegal things? Wouldn’t drivers who DON’T attract attention make more sense? Well, before I go making wild accusations about the Fast franchise being ridiculous, maybe I should see what it is these drivers are going to be driving…

_Oh wait, it doesn’t matter cause there was an explosion. And then Vin Diesel no-sold a bullet to the shoulder like the champ that he is. And somehow it wasn’t the best no-sell in a movie I’ve seen this week.

_”We can take this shipment off the streets, parade it for the media, Braga has another shipment next week. Or we can use the shipment to lure him out. He can’t afford not to.” He can’t afford not to make the deal when he can have another shipment ready next week? Fuckin’ Fast and the Furious logic is the best logic.

_”He’s in his home base in Mexico.” “Mexico is out of our jurisdiction.” If any movie characters knew they were movie characters, these are words that would never be uttered out of any movie character’s mouth. The law only matters in the real world, not in places like the movies where feelings are the only important things ever.

_So the only people that care about the US/Mexico border is the US, right? Mexico doesn’t give a shit who comes to their side? Nobody in Mexico is crying about all of the people coming over and stealing their jobs as mariachi players? Just making sure, cause in the last 20 minutes, everybody in Fast 4 seemed to just waltz into Mexico, no questions asked. I mean, a semi-truck full of cars and drivers just drove in, and nobody inside even knew they were going until they were there.

_”You and me, we’re not so different.” That’s twice in two movies. And oh my goodness, is the climatic car scene in this gonna be a border run? So topical! And a shot of Mexicans enjoying a cock fight to boot? The metaphors, they’re running rampant.

_Just like the cops in 2, all of these faceless mooks are pretty good at navigating the tunnels all of these top street racers had to be recruited to drive in. They were doing really good until Vin Diesel jumped from car to car…god dammit. I just realized that there wasn’t a supporting role played by a rapper in this one. How…how could they throw away such a rich tradition?!


~Fast 5~

_So at the end of Fast 5, Dom Diesel gets sentenced to 25 to life. Then as he’s riding the bus to prison, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster and those two Latino guys who did nothing outside of the first scene are shown riding cars to bust him out of the bus. That’s how this one opens. So does that mean Fast 4 and 5 were filmed simultaneously, like this was Lord of the Rings or Back to the Future 2 & 3? Also, Paul Walker is an undercover cop in Fast 1, then in 2, he’d been kicked off the force, then when he shows up again in 4, he’d been allowed to become a federal agent, then he goes rouge at the end and is obviously not an agent again in 5. Paul Walker being a cop in the Fast movies is kind of like Zero being dead and alive in the Mega Man X series.

_Oh man, Vince makes a return to the franchise! It hasn’t been that long, since I’ve gone through all of these in a day, but it’s amazing that a movie like The Fast and the Furious spawned a franchise with enough entries for characters to be able to not only be gone for multiple entries, but come back at some point.

_”I was hoping Dom would be back by now, but this is a clean enough job that we don’t need him.” I hope “clean” in this sense isn’t code for “easy” because it looks like they’re stealing cars from a moving train, which doesn’t sound easy in the least.

_I feel like the Fast and the Furious movies could be described like a sitcom, with the same general generic plot for each one. Whereas a sitcom would be something like “The gang plans an outing; hijinks ensue,” Fast films would be something like “The gang plans a hiest; things go awry.”

_The escalation in this series is reminding me of Die Hard. Remember how in the original Die Hard, John McClane is on his own, against all odds, straining to stay on his feet, not to mention his feet getting torn up along the way? Then by the 4th movie, he’s jumping on military jets and taking them down? In Fast 1, they were having trouble saving Vince from the side of an 18 wheeler with the driver protecting himself vigilante style with a shotgun. In Fast 5, Vin and Paul were unarmed, protected themselves from armed gangsters, Paul Walker jumped from a moving train on to the back of a flatbed truck, Vin drives a car OUT of the train onto dirt, then drives alongside it so Paul can jump into the car before they both go careening off a cliff, and jump out of the car and into a body of water below. And after getting captured by I think the 3rd drug lord in the series (Too early to tell 100% for sure, but they were stealing cars off the train from the DEA, so it’s a good guess) Vin Diesel breaks from his restraints by just…breaking the chains around his hands. Just breaks them. Yup.

_Oh.
Fuck.
It’s.
The Rock.
And he just dropped an f-bomb.

_I’m going to start referring to good news and bad news and desserts and veggies now. Thanks, Rocky. I knew I could always count on you to be awesome. Rock in this movie is just reminding me that I haven’t seen G.I.Joe: Retaliation yet, and that needs to be rectified.

_Vin Diesel: “Monologing.”
Paul Walker: *Listens intently*
Vin: “Let’s steal this drug guy’s money.”
Paul: “Ok. Let’s get a team of guys from the previous movies to come back.”
Vin: *Iron Giant noises*

And then Fast 5 became the Italian Job.

_What the fuck, Fast 5, I’m not supposed to be legitimately enjoying this. This basically just turned into an actual heist film. I was just joking about the Italian Job stuff.

_I feel like there are some planets somewhere that are crumbling under the weight of Vin Diesel and the Rock having a staredown. Like, not just when it happened on set…but every time this scene in the movie plays somewhere. There are entire systems of solar objects that have been destroyed in the fiery blaze that is their gaze meeting on screens. The film print probably burns to the touch.

_Vin Deisel: “Family > Money.” Life lessons from the Fast and the Furious.

_Vin Deisel v. Rock. There go some suns, flaring into and out of existence from the force of the blows. I can’t help but wonder why they’re fighting since neither can feel pain.

_Paul: “Cut us loose!”
Vince: “Cut us loose!”
Vin: *Stony silence*

You know that when she cuts them loose, it was the stony silence that convinced her.

_If Vin Diesel’s outstretched arm helping the Rock off the ground isn’t all we need to get Predator 2014 off the ground with Vin Diesel and the Rock in the roles of Arnold and Carl, then I don’t know why I should bother to keep existing.

_I love how they spent more than half the movie planning this elaborate heist to get this safe out of a police station, in and out without being discovered, shit keeps happening, the plan keeps changing until eventually, it’s just “Let’s take the armored vehicle and barrel through the wall, put it on chains and drag it out behind our cars on the streets in broad daylight.” It’s like someone wrote an elaborate heist movie, only no studio wanted to produce it, so they said “How about if you just make this script the plot of the next Fast and the Furious movie. We don’t even care if you dump the entire plan at the end to turn it into a huge car chase action sequence, as long as our script gets made in some form.” It’d be like if Ocean’s Eleven was exactly the same, only everything goes to shit in the last 20 minutes, and the entire Ocean’s crew just ran in guns blazing to take all the money.

_Also, all apologies to Don Omar for not recognizing him. I feel terrible about it.


_My final thoughts on the franchise…nobody has Bo Duke’d into a car yet. Gonna go cry myself to death now.

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