Netflix January 2015_day.03 – Reindeer Games (2000)

_I was gonna watch this later in the day, because I was morbidly curious about that scintillating NFL match-up between the Cardinals and Panthers, but then that game was about as interesting as…I expected it to be. That’s usually a bad sign, when something being just as good as one expected it to be leads you to just turning it off and doing something else.

_On today’s docket, we have Reindeer Games. I actually watched a few Christmas movies last month. I was really in the holiday spirit. No idea why I didn’t watch this then, when it’s clearly the greatest Christmas movie ever made. Well…tied with Die Hard. Die Hard might (stress: might) be a better action movie…or…normal movie…but Reindeer Games started out with a bunch of dead men in Santa suits lying in the streets while snow gently fell upon their holly jolly corpses.

Then again, Die Hard had a 14 year old kid jamming to Christmas in Hollis in an underground parking garage. Like I said, tied. It might be a wash.

Then Ben Affleck started talking about how he just wanted to spend Christmas with his family and eat leftovers for 6 months with his prison cell mate. Yup, Reindeer Games wins.

_So Ben Affleck is Rudy Duncan, a guy nearing the end of a 5 year stint for grand theft auto. Which is just ridiculous. I’ve played GTA and gotten busted for car theft a ton, and they always let me out within 6 hours with a slap on the wrist and a small fine. I don’t know what judge Rudy pissed off. So, he and his roommate are getting out in 3 days. His roommate has been writing Charlize Theron and is totally looking forward to seeing her when he gets out. But uh oh: Dana Stubblefield just came out of solitary and he thinks Affleck ratted him out and put him there. So Dana tries to sack Ben with a shank, his friend protects him and gets killed. Come release day, Ben Affleck sees Charlize Theron standing there all alone and decides “Hey…identity theft never hurt anybody,” pretends to be his dead cell mate and screws her within 12 hours. Cause that’s what friends do.

And then Ben Affleck flushes his ID down the toilet. Cause why wouldn’t you flush some legal identification down the toilet for a couple days with Charlize Theron? I’m serious, she’s a ridiculously beautiful woman, if there was anyone you’d do that for, she’s near the top. But like…99% of the time, that’s a really horrible decision. Can’t fault the writing here, though.

_Oh shit, Danny Trejo!

_Oh shit, Lieutenant Dan!

_I feel bad for Gary Sinese. Forrest Gump came along, we all loved it, Gary Sinese’s career saw a big upturn for a while. Then everybody turned on Gump, were all like “OMG Pulp Fiction should’ve won Best Picture in ’94 or Shawshank, Gump sux!” Then what happens to Gary Sinese? He stops getting work in big movies after Reindeer Games!

_God dammit, Affleck has flipped back and forth between pretending he’s Nick and not pretending so much in the last 10 minutes, I can’t even keep track of who everyone thinks he is. This thriller is indeed cerebral.

_Oh shit, Dennis Farina! What is he doing playing some casino manager yelling at grunt employees? That’s way off from the normal kinds of characters he plays.

_Oh shit, Ashton Kutcher! As…some guy!

_Dun dun duunnnnn plot twist! And boobies. So this scene says that Gary Sinese and Charlize Theron are totally playing Ben. Which makes sense, since Charlize and Sinese rhyme. But they joke about being brother and sister…but don’t laugh about it as much as you’d expect them to…so…are they boyfriend/girlfriend AND brother/sister? How creepy is it? I hope it’s both just for this movie to be even more ridiculous.

_And now now Danny Trejo is dressed up as a Santa. Danny Trejo Santa is the top tier Santa.

_lol bad movies with tons of plots twists are the best. They really are. I feel like Biff watching A Fistful of Dollars. “Great flick, great friggin’ flick!” Except I only say that when I’m watching bad movies and spectacularly fantastical dumb stuff happens that brings me far more joy than it ever has any business bringing me.

_And in case you were wondering…

Yes, they did name drop the title during the movie. A++++++

_Join me tomorrow as we delve into the mysterious Nosferatu. As in it’s mysterious how people could watch movies in black and white! J/K, see you tomorrow.

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