Netflix January 2015_day.07 – For Your Eyes Only (1981)

_It’s funny to watch movies made before the PG-13 rating. You’d think “Oh, without a PG-13, there must have been a lot more R’s.” Nope. Everything was PG. “So every R was a hard R, right?” Nope. Gymkata was an R. Police Academy was an R. Poltergeist was PG. Don’t count on things ever making sense, man. Up today, we’ll be watching the Jim Bond movie For Your Eyes Only.

_First things first – I like that in 1981, they were still going with nude women on film for the credits sequence. At first, it’s just shadow women silhouettes with clear nipped in profile, then it’s just a clear frontal nudity in front of “Directed by.” This movie is rated PG. Things sure change in 30 years, huh? Also, Sheena Easton did a pretty good job on this title song. It’s like a straight up ballad…but still Bond-y. Good work, I like it a lot. Probably a top 5 Bond song.

_I’m not sure how I feel about the naming convention of Bond movies from this point. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was the first Bond movie to have a kind of nondescript title. It doesn’t really refer to anything from the story of the movie, and this movie follows suit. Unless you actually count Bond reading a file labelled “For your eyes only,” which is a really crummy way to label secret spy files, and it would become for the eyes of anybody who had the file in their possession. I suppose it’s Ian Fleming’s fault, as the movies were still being named after Bond stories at this point, so that’s on him. But I like it when the titles refer to stuff in the movies. It makes it easier to remember what happens in which movie.

Take the Brosnan movies, for example: Die Another Day? World is Not Enough? Tomorrow Never Dies? No clue what happens in any of them. I remember Halle Berry was in one. And Michelle Yeoh. And Denise Richards. And one of them was about trying to take over the world with TV or some shit. But who was in what and what plots go with which movie? No idea. Only thing I remember is that Garbage crushed their title song. Great job. But Goldeneye? I know what happens in Goldeneye. They have to stop the bad guys from using the Goldeneye laser satellite. Easy. And that helps me remember other shit. Like Xenia sex-crushing Bond in a steam room. Sean Bean doing what he does best and dying twice. Natalya standing around hacking a computer in a cavernous room for 10 minutes while guys infinitely spawn around her trying to kill her. Classic stuff.

…I suppose the N64 game helps out a lot with remembering Goldeneye plot details.

_There’s something like…25 Bond movies, so it’s not surprising that they go back to the well a few times for ideas on action sequences…but it’s really funny how often “skiing” is used as the scene for action. You’d think “It doesn’t happen that often, does it?” Then you realize that you could make a Top 3 Skiing Sequences in Bond Movies list and actually leave some scenes off the list. Was skiing something Fleming focused a lot on in the books?

_Is this movie the first time Bond has ever turned down a one night stand with any woman? Does he actually have a thing against bedding young women? I’m actually impressed that a guy with his libido has that kind of restraint.

_So, I’m not gonna lie…I had no idea what was actually going on in this entire movie. Bond was working with some Greeks to get some random military keyboard that did something. I actually understood the plot for Quantum of Solace more. That’s really saying something.

There were just…a ton of action sequences in this. And very few of them were straight up firefights. Skiing action scene? Yup. Underwater salvage fight? Got it. Rock climbing thrills? Check. A helicopter dumping a man in a wheelchair down a smokestack? Duh. And there was a crazy amount of action scenes being capped off with a completely real body and not a limp dummy falling and dying. The best one was the car falling off the cliff and the dummy just…falling out of the window right at the end. My ass fell off from laughter.

Not sure how I feel about the movie, overall, though. Action packed? Yeah, and they action scenes were alright. Well written? Uhhhhh…moving on. Bond girls? Pretty hot. Not a bad Bond flick, all things considered. If I could follow the plot, I could rank it higher on my Bond movie rankings I never bothered to make.

_Oh, and I see what they did. The spy file wasn’t the only thing for his eyes only. Tits, too. GG Mr. Bond. GG.

_Tomorrow, we’ll celebrate Darin Erstad’s 1 Hall of Fame vote by watching Nebraska. See you then.


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