Netflix January 2015_day.30 – Cadet Kelly (2002)

_I’m not sure if I want to be a designer. I mean, I like graphic design. I dabble. But sometimes…I feel like I’m just irritated at really obviously shoddy amateurish 5-minute design on commercially sold products. Like, it bothers me. It bothers me that I pay money for stuff with aesthetic design that obviously had no actual work or effort put into it. It’s like if you bought a book with no cover. You’d just get mad out of principle. It makes me mad. I get mad when I see DVD or CD spines that’s just like…centered black Arial Bold on a white background. There’s a difference between minimalist work and minimal work, asshole.

…anyways, let’s watch a Disney Channel movie

…like, maybe Cadet Kelly.

_You know how you know you’re about to watch a classic piece of film?

The credits starts off with the line “A Disney Channel Original Movie.”

_What kind of a mother tells her daughter that they’re moved and she’ll be going to military academy the NEXT DAY?! Good lord, woman, as if school wasn’t hard enough.

_This is how I imagine auditioning for any Disney Channel movie goes…”Let me hear your best ‘Whoa…whooooooaaa! Ooooooh!” Just the sound of people comedically trying to keep their balance should be enough to secure yourself a future in acting.

_It’s been forever since I’ve seen the classic Hilary Duff “exasperated gasp” move. Like, someone does something that makes her upset…drop the shoulders, squint eyes, lower head…”UH?!” Classic move. I bet the average amount of Duff’ing in a Lizzie McGuire episode was somewhere around 8 or 9. I mean, it’s probably lower, like 4 or 5, but there are probably a few episodes where the Duff count  just hits staggering amounts, like if something crazy happens at the mall and a bunch of parents don’t understand teens.

The Duff count is pretty high so far in these first 20 minutes.

_Look! Even in military academy, girls are still girls! They talk about boys and dresses and shoes just like normal girls! I never would’ve thought. Thanks Disney Channel.

_I know it’s pretty much because she was in Even Stevens and was likely at the whim of her Disney Channel casting masters, but Ren Stevens Romano as the hard assed drill instructor is hilarious.

Also hilarious is seeing the guy who played the dick boss in Office Space with a sweet mustache sounding exactly like Harvey Birdman because…he’s Harvey Birdman. It basically sounds like Harvey Birdman being a serious guy. It’s disconcerting.

_All the girls in this movie think Brad is so dreamy, but they’re all just fooled by the fact that he does everything in slow motion. Everybody looks dreamy in slo mo. That’s just science.

_In the end, Cadet Kelly teaches us generally the same lessons that every Disney Channel movie does: Young teens know life better than everybody else and every other person needs to learn to conform to their standards! YOUTH!

Nah, she also learned teamwork. Yay learning.

_Next time, we’ll be finishing off another month of Netflix instant streaming movies with The Bad News Bears. See you then~


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